"In Ghana, you must know somewhere to get somewhere."

This past Saturday I attended a benefit concert in Accra to help the earthquake victims in Haiti. A lot of major Ghanaian artists performed: Bertha, Sandra, Kwabena Kwabena and some older artists who did lots of old-school highlife music. It was fun, and there were definitely some Ghanaian takes on American contemporary and jazz standards.

However, the best part of the show, in my opinion, was the Ghanaian comedian, Kwaku Sintim-Misa, affectionately called, "KSM". Not being fluent in Twi, I was rather skeptical of how this routine was going to go, but it turned out to be basically spot on with what I encounter on a daily basis.

I. ONLY IN GHANA: ASKING FOR DIRECTIONS

KSM enlightened us with a story of a hapless British woman, stranded at the Labadi Beach Resort, one of Accra's premier resorts, attempting to get to the National Theatre, which is in the centre of town.

British woman, to Labadi street hawker: "Excuse me, but how do I get to the National Theatre."

Hawker: "Where do you want to go?"

Brit: "To the National Theatre."

As KSM points out, only in Ghana does the questioned turn the question on you.

Hawker: "Oh, National Theatre. Do you know the British Council Hall?"

Brit: "No, I want to go to the National Theatre."

Hawker: "Yes, it is by the British Council Hall."

Brit: "Okay, how do I get there?"

Hawker: "Do you know the Cedi House?"

You can see the pattern. But we're not through yet.

Brit: "NO I WANT THE NATIONAL THEATRE."

Hawker: [seeing his friend] "Oh, okay, hold on. Kwesi! Kwesi!"

Kwesi: [running over] "Yes, chalay chalay. [friend]"

Hawker: "[in Twi] This obruni wants the National Theatre."

Kwesi [turning to obruni, in English]: "Okay, do you know the British Council hall?"

[curtain]

This basically happens to me on a daily basis--as in three hours ago.

Me [in the sweltering 95 degree, midday heat]: [to passerby] "How do I get to the Ministry of Information?"

Passerby: "Do you know the Tigo office? [major mobile carrier]"

Me: "No."

Passerby: "Okay, just go up this road, and ask someone else. They will know."

Me: "Uhh, thanks."

Oh, Ghana.

II. ONLY IN GHANA: NEVER IN THE COURSE OF HUMAN HISTORY HAVE SO FEW, WITH SO LITTLE TO SAY, SAID SO MUCH, TO SO MANY [subtitle inspired by Sir Winston and this poster]

One of the best things about Ghana is that the country has an incredibly lively media. So many papers to keep the politicians on their toes, so many radio stations in English and all sorts of local language to spread the news, debate politics and so forth. And the Internet, particularly sites like Facebook, is becoming huge here. Just last week on the radio waves was a debate about a particularly fiery speech in Parliament, in which an MP accused Ministers on the Ghana Cup of African Nations to Angola of bringing 25-year old girlfriends (as she called them, "handbags") on state funds. Following the debate, several MPs called in to the stations lambasting her statements. Not to be outdone, the accusing MP herself called in to reassert her position! Entertainment at its finest.

Unfortunately, KSM points out that one problem with all this radio is that, "Only in Ghana, do people call in to the radio stations and contribute so much trash, with so much vigor."

Radio host: "Hello, you're on the air."

Caller: [much static] "Hello? Hello?"

Host: "Yes, you're on the air. Turn down your radio."

Caller: "Ah, ah, meda ase [thank you]. I would like to contribute."

Host: "Yes, go ahead."

Caller: "[...] What are you talking about?"

[curtain]

III. ONLY IN GHANA: WHICH ETHNIC GROUP WILL GIVE ST PETER THE HARDEST TIME AT THE PEARLY GATES

Ethnicity is one of those tricky issues here in Ghana. Back in the 70s and 80s, during the military dictatorships, ethnicity was a fiery issues, with violent clashes and government favors for certain groups (though, ironically, one government did try to ensure ethnic balance in its Cabinet...). It is still a salient issue in the North with the various chieftaincy disputes, but it sometimes flares up in the South when there is a chieftaincy dispute here.

But, having noticed this during my thesis research two years ago (really, it's been that long?), Ghanaians are surprisingly open about their ethnicity, unlike next-door Cote d'Ivoire, where people are fighting to prove they are Ivorian so that they can vote in the supposedly upcoming elections.

But Ghanaians can joke about these things, which is refreshing, and it appears each ethnic group has its endearing quirks. For the Fantes, located in Western Region by the coast near Takoradi and towards Elmina in Central Region, they are non-confrontational. As KSM claims, when St Peter tells a Fante man to go to hell, hewill reply, "Okay, okay, sure." Now the Akuapems, from Eastern Region, are hard bargainers, apparently. When St Peter tells an Akuapem that he will go to hell, the Akuapem replies, "Now hold on a second. Let's look closely at my record." However, it is the Ga man (from around Greater Accra) who will give St Peter the hardest time. Upon being told to go to hell, the Ga man will respond, "Let me have a word with your boss. Yes, Jesus."

Admittedly I was a bit concerned when KSM launched into the ethnic jokes, and he did noticeably leave out Northern groups. But the house loved it--all the Fantes cheered when he targeted the Fantes, all the Gas cheered when he made fun of the Gas, and so forth. The groups cheered together, stood and obviously showed their group pride, but I didn't detect any animosity (of course, this was also a much younger crowd, probably mostly in their 20s and 30s). It's ethnicity--everyone knows it's there. Of course there will be political and economic challenges that will test that equilibrium, namely the oil revenues, but currently I think the situation is moving in the right direction. And you can thank the radio and its crazy callers for helping it move in that direction.

Will Ghana get there? To be determined. Because sometimes you can get somewhere without knowing somewhere.

Me [happening uponTigo office, to passerby]: "Afternoon, do you know the Ministry of Information?"

Passerby: "Yes, turn left here, and look for the signboard."

[curtain]